night of 8/2/2013

j and a have gone into the water to watch the waterski race. (observers have lined at a rope like at a marathon; the skiers will apparently be traveling under their own power.) there is a father there who has let his young son wander past the rope line and now is having trouble persuading him to come back. gigantic whales begin to crest around them. i call out to ask: are they really there in the water with the whales, or are they just watching them on tv? j doesn't hear me. a is drifting away from her. "papa" i call. j is mesmerized by the whales. i remember that's my name, not hers. "mama." a has drifted out of her reach and is going under. i dive in. a is going down and i swim down after her. she couldn't sink this quickly on her own; something must be pulling her! she is fading out of view.

night of 5/19/2013

in the dream i tell you how often i wake screaming at losing you, to find you gone. my heart thrills in the bed as it does with you almost there.

there was a floor-wide party and you're there on a staircase turning around, with an entourage, your mother and brothers and friends. i say, 'oh fuck.' everybody already knows. we go off to talk and my chest is always thumping. we say little. you listen, and talk, and say how things are, and this is a separate place. i tell you of the dreams. the dream ends there.

night of 5/16/2013

a strange house. maybe we're moving in. by the side is a garage where i'm sneaking a smoke. j doesn't mind i'm doing it but i'm looking down the deck walk along the house to see if my father arrives. rub out the butt and drop it, see another, can't collect them without scooping up a bunch of dirt and leaves from the floor.

then i'm upstairs putting the kids to bed. a is uncooperative and gets her fourth warning from me which is meaningless, three is the highest it goes. i hear j come in the front door and she screams about how the kids' behavior is making her look like a bad parent, as if to one of their faces, which is strange because the kids are upstairs with me.

night of 4/13/13

as our final action, we were supposed to have sabotaged the warships across the strait that separates this island. some of us have a rapport with animals. dolphins planting explosives on hulls. i'm close with the animal handlers.

we're done now and shutting the operation down. cleaning up the space that's essentially an office, despite being a small clearing on the jungle island. computers, papers, furniture. i come across a picture of a young native boy helping me build a rope bridge; he was special to me.

i haven't been too careful with security. i have classified stuff lying around in piles as we organize. the security people show up and i have a stack of documents that shouldn't be out. luckily, on the top of them there's some kids' books, they don't pay attention to it right away. i pick up the stack, hoping it would remain disguised as i carry it away. passing my friend in the next office/clearing down, i joke that now my day is easier, since the auditors are packing my things up and carting them away for me.

now i'm in the corporate headquarters looking for a place to stash the papers. some large rolling containers under a stairwell blocking a door. i roll them back. the door is only painted on. voices and shadows in the stairwell. the only way is up. on the roof there is a superstructure that i climb. i sit in the seat of one of the anti-aircraft guns, which i point down to the expanse of grass on the forward roof. i fire a single shot. the lights come on for only a moment, but surely the alarm has sounded. i scoot down to the grass, running a pattern that puts each of the motion-sensing lights on only for a moment, not enough to catch me on the cameras. to the edge of the roof, and over.

here is where a great face fronts the building, like Rushmore. i shimmy down to a dark nook on the brow. lights are coming on. i am waiting for the rescue i'd arranged. out of the dark sky comes my handler friend, clutched by an enormous bird. surrounded by other birds of all sizes.

[i was a woman.]