night of 5/19/2013

in the dream i tell you how often i wake screaming at losing you, to find you gone. my heart thrills in the bed as it does with you almost there.

there was a floor-wide party and you're there on a staircase turning around, with an entourage, your mother and brothers and friends. i say, 'oh fuck.' everybody already knows. we go off to talk and my chest is always thumping. we say little. you listen, and talk, and say how things are, and this is a separate place. i tell you of the dreams. the dream ends there.

night of 5/16/2013

a strange house. maybe we're moving in. by the side is a garage where i'm sneaking a smoke. j doesn't mind i'm doing it but i'm looking down the deck walk along the house to see if my father arrives. rub out the butt and drop it, see another, can't collect them without scooping up a bunch of dirt and leaves from the floor.

then i'm upstairs putting the kids to bed. a is uncooperative and gets her fourth warning from me which is meaningless, three is the highest it goes. i hear j come in the front door and she screams about how the kids' behavior is making her look like a bad parent, as if to one of their faces, which is strange because the kids are upstairs with me.