night of 11/23/2010

1
i arrive at the driveway of the family home. there are fire and rescue everywhere, garish lights in the night, taped-off areas, milling workers. someone explains to me that my father had been in the garage trying to extract a pin in the chassis of the car, had somehow impacted a load-bearing post of the garage and the whole thing had come down on him. out here at the end of the driveway, beyond the tape, there is a wooden reconstruction of the chassis detailing the site of the pin. i look at the garage and it is lit up and not collapsed, but there is wreckage. afterward apparently my father had freed himself from the collapse but was overcome by some kind of leakage.

2
i am bringing janine in to meet with a higher-up in our espionage organization. she will be vetted for a greater role; i have recruited her only recently. we sit at dinner to a table on the floor of a yawning barren warehouse that brims in echo. the supervisor, irina, remarks that janine has an ease in her presence already. janine: 'i was your lover before i was your operative.' i remember: years ago in paris. as they talk, i am playing with my lima beans, pushing them down to the bottom of the pool that lies in front of me, and then trying to stab them through the water with my fork. it's hard because the water distorts the angles.

--
1
childhood home the scene of an emergency.
killing the father. rage.
un-doing the damage; denying what has happened, reconstructing.
2
the feminine, anima.
promoting j. into my fight.
the child, at play.

night of 11/19/2010

r. and i are on a bus heading for a class. on the way we take turns presenting strategic scenarios. this trip we're doing mistakes. i haven't participated before but this time, as my turn approaches, i prepare an answer: a man invents a quick-pouring concrete ideal for runways. we encourage him to defect. his invention becomes public knowledge and is so simple and cheap that the island nations we invade benefit far more than we do--the mistake is that our effort was wasted. (i have another idea but decide to go with this one.) my turn doesn't come. the exercise is voluntary anyway.

now we are in a car and r. is driving. i'm talking about this scenario exercise and how i never do the homework if it's optional. i feel bad that i am so lazy, except for when i re-took calculus recently; for some reason i enjoyed it. the car dips forward and downward into a depression. it is full of lava. the lava splashes onto my neck, my chin. i am scared and i begin to scream, although the lava cools quickly. i feel i may be exaggerating the severity of the pain. (wake.)

--
straightforward: "i feel i may be exaggerating the severity of the pain."
volcano. eruption of the subterranean.
fixate on mistakes.
performance; the old school nightmare.

--
what doesn't
hurt burns
the wicks
inwardly lashes
fast drenches
under pitch
self-siren
stooped back
knot with
standing

night of 11/16/10

the back door is a giant hatch like on a cargo plane. the ramp descends into water. i crane my neck out and look up. pterodactyls! i rush in and shout that we must close the hatch. they are slow to respond. finally just as it edges shut there is a terrific thump--the first attacker, with action-movie timing.

we are camped on the terraces of a wide, stepped descending spiral tunnel beneath the town. we are up in the town destroying zombies, with easy success. suddenly our blows have no effect. the zombie in front of me looks as surprised as i am. and for the first time appears completely intelligent. we run down into the tunnel to decamp and escape. ayla is not there and has gone wandering deeper into the tunnel. we gather our things--prominently, among them is a flank steak in a plastic bag--and worry until she begins to emerge, cutting our time very close.

night of 11/12/10

janine and i run a parking lot. there's some advantage to its being a municipality independent of the state.

we find a leopard in a red car. it snarls at us. janine is undeterred and enters the car through the trunk, cooing. eventually she sets it free. i'm a little afraid of it.

she locks it in the basement to get it out of the way. the cats are down there! i'm a little pissed. i go down and find zero's big bushy tail has been severed. i bring it up and show it to her.