night of 11/23/2010

1
i arrive at the driveway of the family home. there are fire and rescue everywhere, garish lights in the night, taped-off areas, milling workers. someone explains to me that my father had been in the garage trying to extract a pin in the chassis of the car, had somehow impacted a load-bearing post of the garage and the whole thing had come down on him. out here at the end of the driveway, beyond the tape, there is a wooden reconstruction of the chassis detailing the site of the pin. i look at the garage and it is lit up and not collapsed, but there is wreckage. afterward apparently my father had freed himself from the collapse but was overcome by some kind of leakage.

2
i am bringing janine in to meet with a higher-up in our espionage organization. she will be vetted for a greater role; i have recruited her only recently. we sit at dinner to a table on the floor of a yawning barren warehouse that brims in echo. the supervisor, irina, remarks that janine has an ease in her presence already. janine: 'i was your lover before i was your operative.' i remember: years ago in paris. as they talk, i am playing with my lima beans, pushing them down to the bottom of the pool that lies in front of me, and then trying to stab them through the water with my fork. it's hard because the water distorts the angles.

--
1
childhood home the scene of an emergency.
killing the father. rage.
un-doing the damage; denying what has happened, reconstructing.
2
the feminine, anima.
promoting j. into my fight.
the child, at play.